So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize