I wish my penis had an off switch
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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