There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
