i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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