Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize