Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Hippo gnu deer
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize