Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
