textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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