when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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