I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
