I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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