I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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