I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The convent might be a nice break from real life
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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