I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My pussy is not your playground.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
