I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
