you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
