I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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