Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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