that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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