Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
