When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize