Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
