but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
