I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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