He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
