he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
