I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
