he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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