I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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