My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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