seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
