There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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