i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
