i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
