Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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