dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
