overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
