THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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