my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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