Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
