I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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