I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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