I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
