Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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