dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
