Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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