I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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