is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
there's paper in my vomit.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
