I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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