I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
