Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
