Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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