so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
