captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize