woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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