Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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