Your dad touched me again.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
