I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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