mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
