Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
