dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
